We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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