Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
