yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
