so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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