Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
