I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
