I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
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just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
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It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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