hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
