just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
