plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
