Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
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just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
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Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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