I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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