Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The air was thick with penises
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
