Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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