11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize