Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
