We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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