why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
