Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
