last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
