Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
