I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
