remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
