ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
