What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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