There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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