oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
