If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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