Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
