I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
