We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
