Is that why you're texting me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
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He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
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Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass