I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh