I just saw a hot homeless man
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
