I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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