Four minutes until I can fart!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
