I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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