I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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