Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
