As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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