My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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