Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
