Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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