I must be too annoying 4 u.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
