Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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