I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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