He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
