dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We need to get me chipped asap
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
