My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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