During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
