Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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