Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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