i jhust puked up my retainher.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
