Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
