Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
