sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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