I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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