WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
